if i told you nothing would you hear the silence better?
i tell you everything and you all know i am having a problem...
but if i were to stop entirely. if i were to avoid you would my silence be known?
i voice my problems because if i dont they get bigger
one of you, one had the new found courage to tell me...
blowing off steam is one thing when you're one the phone to one person...
making an entire conversation envolving many people who are not involved...
thats more than the worst coward would do.

so you all hate me, why do you turn to me?
i want to be your friends but i want to not be close.
obviously being so close was a mistake.

if you want to know how my life is...
i hate it.
i hate all of you.
i feel like grade eight all over...
where are the tylenol threes when you need them huh?
wow! who knew i'd ever want to have the ability to forget a year of my life all over again.
but right now, i think i'd rather forget one year rather than hate it
so i hate life and i hate you and for once i dont hate me
i feel that my hatred and anger is justified and i dont hate myself.... so there.

i dont know if there is an ultimate goal with you all detesting me so...
fuck, i dont even know if there is an ultimate goal in general.
i know right now my goal is to make it past another evening...
another evening alone full of oppurtunity.
i'm being rather dramatic i understand but how many of you would actually care if i were to just blankly say
'i'd rather die than live another day of this... i hate you all and its always easier to remove yourself from the problem rather than remove the problem'

i suppose what i hate the most is the way you get so close to people.
i'll clarify.
i'll get close to someone during the few weeks of the summer,
over the march break,
during fourth period
and then the summer's gone, march break is over, i've graduated
and when the fuck do i have then?
a head full of fucking pleasent memories which mean more to me than the person who made them happen
you get close to people...
four years of my life with the same people in and out...
four years...
all that which will be forgotten in a blink, in a heartbeat, at a glance from a pretty girl, a new school
well then...
i'll sit and ill create what i know as beauty and it will enevr fade as you all
since you are but of flesh, emotions which have been wasted on you...
whereas true beauty is unchanging...
acrylics don't fade, notes never change, pattern and technique.. classic, reliable, truth

for anyone i have gotten to know... for anyone who i have pulled away from..
i'm pathetic. i'm human...
theres nothing i can do...

and like a candle in the wind, i am blown out, to be forgotten until once again you need the light...
watch out, playing with matches you can get burned....

you're making a mess, little one.
put away the toys and grow up
qucik quick, grow, won't you?
oh no, the bigger you get the bigger your messes,
your problems...
won't someone say,
"you're making a mess, little one"

wow!!
home-made bracelettes
making me feel pretty and loved all over again!
awesome kid!
great times!
warm fuzzies...
potential feelings...
bad *bad* BAD!

stop kassya....

the first day... March 2001

nervous time... pre-godspell dinner

a painful time... paintball (sorry!)

the best summer i have ever had... sunrises and best friends

the reunion day.... September 4th

the best and worst time... Greek Night

true love... sleeping over

best sporting event EVER... BROOMBALL!!

an awesome time... Weezer

the longest 'week' of my life.... October's 'week off'

the best hug... the day off of the week off

fallen in love... rolling down hills in the park

best friend... buying girlie presents and wearing glitter, coming to school, going to the party

true love... sleeping over

shittiest feeling... No Tori

greatest feeling... Tori X 3!!!!

true love... sleeping over

most exhilerating time... October 18th

greatest line ever... ROUND TWO!

most amazing time... October 19th

the most terrible day... October 20th

the best day thus far.... October 21st

happiest... October 22-December 26

best bus ride ever... going to stratford

greatest messy time... Halloween 2001

true love... sleeping over

BEST THING I EVER HEARD... "I want you to come and live with me"

longest relationship... 1 month and 1 day

favourite lunch... grampies

true love... sleeping over

death due to nervousness... semi-formal

best laugh... when you saw your stocking

greatest thing ever... when i went to bed and woke up with you on christmas

greatest religious holiday... christmas 2001

cancelled date with my dad... no lord of the rings

true love... sleeping over

my favourite memory... going to bed at the cottage and you coming in after i was already sleeping and you kissing me goodnight

oddest moment... 'when was the last time you masturbated' blenhiem talent showcase

sean's birthday... so great

most unexpected... january 20

worst move... keeping you unhappy after the break-up. i blamed exams

funny funny... walk to remember... for the second time!

odd odd couple... "i'll be over at 1ish..." but man it was awesome!

best friend... erica's dreads

great time.... after erica's dreads

sad kass... ali goings skiing

overjoyed kass.. ali calls! yip

most memorable short period day....hoodratty... we have 11 minutes,,,

most upsetting romantic holiday... Valentines day

greatest sleep deprivation... band a thon...

and what was once great shall be great another day,,, it is finished




i have said it all now.. you know and there is so much more to know...
i guess... the true love was really sleeping over... i miss my best friend!
fix time!

i'm "fixed"
i'm all better

i'm going to smile tomorrow!

maybe you should never read that letter...

... but i just want me best friend back...

... most of all i miss being the main person you spoke to, the main person in whom you confided...

... i just really miss you

i woke up in a wonderful mood!!!!
and i went through the day finding humour in the small things..
finding beauty in the obscure...
now out of no where it hits...
the built up bad mood comes all at once.

its just not fair!
i just want to be able to smile for more than a day without feeling ill later on...

hopefully tomorrow will be as good as today....

hopefully